This American Life

I’m still awaiting Ira Glass’s phone call until then let me allow you to feel better about your life by sharing my pathetic daily schedule with you. What I did over my summer vacation.

8:30 am- Blinding sunlight pours through the eastward facing, large picture window. I erect a wall of pillows on the bed in between me and the sun.
8:45 am- Awakened by putrid smell of my own morning breath ricocheting off the wall of pillows back into my face. I’m envious of my wife who has no problem sleeping until noon even though she rarely does. Damn it! Ever since that fate full day that we started “dating” a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life was made; I chose the right side of the bed.
9:00 am- Yao wakes up in his cage. Apparently, he too is unhappy with his sleeping arrangement and begins to bark loudly.
9:02 am- Angela is busy pretending to sleep. I give her subtle “accidental” jabs on the back and legs in the hopes that she will wake up and handle the dog barking problem.
9:10 am- Annoyed by the constant demands from the two men in her life Angela gets out of bed and lets one of them out of his cage to go for a walk.
9:15 am- Alright! I am now in a dog free house. This gives me the extra boost I need to get me out of bed.
9:16 am- Go to the kitchen to perform my only contribution to the family unit. It is however the most important task. I make the coffee.
9:20 am- While waiting for coffee and the return of Angela and Yao I turn on all the TV’s and the computer. Oprah takes me through breakfast.
9:45 am- Start to feel effects of the first drug of the day (caffeine). I am now rapidly traveling down the information superhighway. Crucial information about batting averages, Tom Cruise, Jenny Finch, Steve Dahl, fantasy baseball free agents, Larry Brown, Dave Chappelle, reality TV, baseball player injury news and random blogs is received. Continue to look at pictures, read articles and statistics for the next three hours.
12:45 pm- Turn around and chastise Yao for being a lazy bum. He opens one eye briefly then goes back to sleep. Oh well, back to the internet for me.
1:15 pm- Start feeling bored. Energy level is lowering. I stand up and feel light headed. My legs and butt ache. There is a strange feeling in my stomach. I guess its time for lunch. I go to the kitchen to prepare grilled cheese, a hot dog or frozen pizza depending on my mood. At the first sound of cellophane crackling Yao jumps out of his slumber and joins me in the kitchen. I tell him “You ain’t gettin shit!” He patiently waits for me to mess up while preparing my food and drop something on the ground.
1:25 pm- I desire a change of scenery while I dine so I plop down in front of the TV in the living room. Yao sits inches from my food. He stares at me; he stares at the food, waiting for his chance. Finally he gives up and goes to eat his own food, getting most of it on his face and on the floor. He returns to the couch. I make fun of him for having food all over his face. He takes revenge by licking me for 5 minutes straight.
1:45 pm- I wonder what the weather is like today? I go check the temperature on the trusty internet. Stay on for another hour.
2:45 pm- Start feeling anxious. Like there is something I am supposed to be doing but not quite sure what. Yao wants to play. He picks up a dirty sock and dares me to chase him. I start to, but he changes his mind and decides we are going to have a tug o’ war instead.
3:00 pm- Sick of playing I let Yao win. I get up to do something else but he is not through playing. He jumps up to bite the bottom of my shorts. He latches on and begins pulling them down. I swat at him. He begins barking at me, with his butt in the air and tail wagging. I jump at him to try to make him flinch. He does the same thing to me. Then he begins running frantically in circles around the living room jumping on couches messing up the rug.
3:05 pm- Yao won’t leave me alone so it’s off to the cage for him. He handles the punishment well by promptly falling asleep.
3:10 pm- Now I am feeling guilty for doing “nothing” all day. It’s after three already? Looking at the glass as half empty I feel like a loser for wasting the day. Looking at it as half full I realize I am that much closer to tomorrow. The boring day is almost through and I can enjoy primetime television viewing. Before that happens I must accomplish something. Ah ha! I unload the dishwasher.
3:20 pm-Back to the internet.
4:00 pm- Yao is awake and he’s pissed. Ok. Ok. I let him out of the cage and put his leash on. “Do you wanna go outside? Do you wanna go outside?” I feel proud of myself because not only am I going outside to take the dog for a short walk but I am also taking out the garbage. What would Angela do without me?
4:01 pm- Whoa! It’s hot out here! Walk Yao around the block wading through all the litter in our neighborhood. Yao chokes himself by trying to chase a bicyclist. He poops. I wonder what the people at Glad would think if they knew what we’re using their sandwich bags for? I throw the poop in someone else’s garbage can.
4:15 pm- Race Yao up the four flights of stairs. I win again! Phew, I’m exhausted. I sit back down on the couch. One of my favorite shows, “Pardon the Interruption,” is almost on. Remote in hand I sit down and start working my magic. Because we have digital cable, I am able to read about everything that’s going to be on that night with just the click of a button. I set multiple reminders that will pop up every time a show I want to watch starts.
4:30 pm- Begin some quality television watching.
5:30 pm- Angela comes home from whatever she was doing all day. I tell her about all the work Yao and I have been doing all day. She tells me about what she did. Teaching people how to teach technology to underprivileged children or something or other? I tell her to take the dog out.
6:00 pm- Eat dinner. Grilled cheese, a hotdog or frozen pizza depending on my mood.
6:30 pm- Back to the TV, Angela’s got work to do. She’s in school getting another masters or something or other.
7:00 pm- Watching TV. I’m a little concerned about something. I have been trying to get into these new summer reality TV series’ and it has really been a struggle. None of these new shows are sparking my interest. Can it be that I am recovering from my reality TV addiction? Luckily some old stand bys like The Real World and The Surreal Life are on this summer.
8:00 pm- This new reality TV dilemma is stressing me out. Second drug of the day (beer) is consumed to help relax me. I hunker down and try to work through my new reality TV problem.
8:30 pm- It’s just not the right. I gotta wait until September for the new season of Survivor? I’m antsy. Third drug of the day (nicotine) is consumed.
9:00 pm- Time to poop. I actually read something that is not on a screen.
9:15 pm-Back to the TV.
10:00 pm- Take Yao out for the last time of the day. Instead of going around the block we walk approximately fifty feet and then turn around and go home.
10:05 pm- Bother Angela for a while.
10:10 pm- Back to the old you know what.
11:00 pm- Go out on the back porch for one last smoke. Listen to neighbors yell and curse at each other in a variety of languages.
11:15 pm-Tell Angela I’m going to bed. She tells me to put the dog to bed. “God do I have to do everything around here?” I ask. Put the dog to bed.
11:20 pm- Brush teeth.
11:25 pm- Get in bed and wait for Angela to come to bed. Angela waits until I fall asleep and then comes to bed.