Heeeeeerre's Johnny!

I do apologize to my loyal readers (Doug and Mac) for not blogging more often. My excuse is two fold. First of all I now have this thing called a JOB that is starting to take up some time. Secondly (and most importantly) I have been totally obsessed with the upcoming NFL fantasy football draft that it is the only thing I look at, think about, talk about, listen to, smell, taste. In fact last night I chased Angela and Yao around with an axe trying to chop them up into little pieces. We are held up in this huge mansion and I got a little stir crazy. Angela refused to share her opinion on the Miami Dolphins quarterback controversy between Gus Ferotte and Jay Fiedler and that just pushed me over the edge. Plus Yao was doing this weird thing with his paw and in a strange voice said “Red ruff” “Red ruff” “Red ruff.” I have so overanalyzed this up coming draft that I now feel that every single player is both a sleeper and a bust. So if you guys want a post so bad I’m afraid its gonna have to be about football.
Last week I was moping around the house about Chicago sports teams. I was swearing, screaming into pillows and packing suitcases declaring to Angela and Yao that we were moving to a city with respectable teams in which to root for. Angela rolled her eyes. Yao cocked his head to the side. “What!?!” I said. I wasn’t over reacting. The Cubs were now officially out of it and thank God I will never watch another Cub’s game. The entire team needs to be dismantled starting with Jim Hendry but what do I care because I’m moving. The White Sox are starting to show their true colors and will probably get swept in the first round again just like in 2000. The Bulls will never win it all without Jordan. The Blackhawks are back? They were never here to begin with. Which leaves us with the pathetic, laughable, fake team that is the jewel of this gullible city DA BEARS! Yes it’s been 20 long years since the magical season that most of us were too young to appreciate. I maintain that just like man walking on the moon was a scam (some dudes in a TV studio pretending to walk in space in order for the government to rationalize the taking of trillions of tax dollars from us for the past 35 years) so were the 85 Bears. Walter Payton, Monsters of the Midway, the HoneyBears, Super bowl Shuffle, the Fridge, none of this was real. How could it be? How could the Chicago Bears be associated with this group of actors who assembled the greatest football team of all time? It was a hoax. Think about it, the McCaskey’s were the owners then right? And they have been the owners since then right? How is it that the worst owners in the history of the NFL could have had the best team in the history of the NFL? I did some research to see if it was just bad luck or were the Bears the worst team year after year on purpose. Just by looking at their first round picks since the “Super Bowl Year” (we all know never happened) it’s easy to see they are doing this shit on purpose. Here’s the list of first round draft picks by the Bears over the past twenty years. Keep in mind that since they usually have one of the worst records they usually get a pretty high pick.
Cedric Benson
Tommie Harris
Michael Haynes
Rex Grossman
Marc Colombo
David Terrell
Brian Urlacher
Cade McNown
Curtis Enis
Walt Harris
Rashaan Salam
John Thierry
Curtis Conway
Alonzo Spellman
Stan Thomas
Mark Carrier
Donnell Woolford
Trace Armstrong
Brad Muster
Jim Harbaugh
Neal Anderson

Enough said. Looks like they got another winner this year in Benson. No he’s not crazy at all. First he shaves his head because he was worried people will think he’s Ricky Williams (which at this point I pray he has as good a career as Ricky). Then he cries like a baby at the draft (come on you would to if you just got drafted by the Bears). Finally he decides to ruin his rookie year by holding out until the week before the season starts. For what? Nothing, the Bears made their final offer weeks ago. I think we should have traded the pick for lower first round picks then gotten a receiver and a quarterback. There were plenty of good backs in the later rounds. The Bears knew Benson was a head case. He tried to play baseball for the Dodgers but they cut him saying it seemed that he was only interested in the money. I think from now on the league should invoke a moratorium on drafting backs from the University of Texas.