Miami Vice

Angela and I have been on Vacation for the past five days visiting our friends Dedi and Cherray in Fort Lauderdale. Here’s the minute to minute account of our trip that you have been waiting for. However, I will have to make it a two part series because this much hedonism can’t fit into one blog.

Friday evening- Touch down in Fort Lauderdale. Jesus H. Christ its hot here!

Saturday- Wake up early. We going to South Beach today!!! Finally all of my prayers have been answered. I see many TI TAY’s and THONGS on South Beach. I try to persuade Angela into going topless but she’s not having it. The main thing I learn at South Beach is what a fat, old, pale, balding, un hip, devoid of muscles, tatooless, hairy backed, bad dressing, poor, sweaty, no girls looking my way, cheap, hornball, pathetic loser I am. Damn I hate that! I couldn’t live down here I would be angry every day. I recommend not visiting it only reminds you of how pathetic your wretched little Midwestern life really is. Angela declares that next week we will be going health club and treadmill shopping. I declare that I will be getting my stomach stapled, botox and teeth whitening surgery.

Saturday night- Back to Fort Lauderdale. We go to this awesome casino. Well casino doesn’t really explain the place too well. In fact the casino part of it kinda sucked (even though I won $50) all they had was slots and poker. What was cool about this huge complex is that they had every kind of bar you could dream of and all of them were packed with beautiful people. The first bar we went to was called Tequila Ranch. The main attraction at this bar is a feisty mechanical bull. Hundreds of people crowd around it and wait in line to ride it. The mechanical bull’s movements are controlled by a guy standing next to the ring using a joystick. Whatever he wants the bull to do is his decision. This is the profession that I have been looking to get into. Apparently this mechanical bull operator didn’t enjoy watching men ride the bull because he usually flung them off in about two violent seconds. The ladies who rode the bull, however, were treated to a very sexy, bouncy ride. Oh I could of stood there all night. Watching girls bounce and jiggle got a little old for Angela and Dedi so we were off to another bar. Dedi wanted to show us this awesome bar that had dozens of pool tables and other games. It was a pretty sheik billiard hall. The best part were the ten foot tall TV screens that played old and new school music videos, while the speakers blared the song. I thought this was a very cool concept. We watched funny old school videos for hours. My new favorite song/video is “Everybody’s working for the weekend.”

Sunday- Nothing much we wake up too late and eat way too much at breakfast. We decide to be adventurous and drive to Miami without a map or any kind of plan for the day. Knowing full well that I hate being lost and I hate moving unless there is a set destination. In fact, the Rasmussen credo is “never be without your map and your itinerary.” I would have had both of these items but before the trip Angela assured me that we would not have time to be site seeing in Miami. After driving around Miami lost for a few hours we finally break down and buy a map. I wanted to check out Miami’s Cuban heritage so we drove around Little Havana. We decided to go to the Cuban Historical Society but of course it was closed. We then picked out a few other Cuban Museums to go to. This is where I started to feel like I was in the twilight zone. We drove to the exact places were the map said these two museums were and for some reason no museums were there. Beyond frustrated and confused at this point I speed out of Little Havana as fast as possible and head towards South Beach determined to stop at the first tourist attraction I see. We end up spotting a place called Parrot Jungle Island. I read a little about it on the internet and it sounded like it might be kinda cool (and at this point I didn’t even care.) Parrot Jungle Island is a huge zoo like area where parrots and monkeys roam around freely. They also had some other animals in cages. What a rip off this place was! I dropped a hundo with nothing to show for it but a crappy cafeteria style lunch. There were a couple of cool moments though. The parrots enjoyed mocking Angela’s loud ass laugh. Also I got to see a man playing with these orangutans. The orangutans were wearing diapers because they were just babies. The funny part was their diapers were leaking pee all over this guy. Oh and I almost forgot, seeing the orangutans led to a wonderful argument with my lovely wife. Angela, for some reason, was convinced that you pronounce the word orangutan like oranguTAN(like the color) and I felt more comfortable with the more common oranguTANG (like the drink) pronunciation.

Stayed tuned for part two to hear about my run ins with the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders, a certain famous lead singer and the highlight of our trip.