Worst Comedy Ever

I need your help folks. I have been struggling with a problem for quite some time now. I can not find a decent movie to watch. I admit I don’t look very hard. We unplugged our DVD player last February and we have not figured out how to plug it back in since. I do not go to the movie theatre (it’s been about a year). I can’t pinpoint a succinct reason why I don’t go to movies but it’s gotta be one of at least three reasons. #1 I am lazy and don’t like leaving the house. #2 There are no good movies to go see. #3 With cable, internet and take out food why would I go to a movie? There is one other reason, I can think of nothing I hate more than getting excited for a movie, making the extreme time commitment, sitting down to watch a movie and twenty minutes into it you realize it’s your new least favorite movie. As little as I watch movies, this has been happening to me too often. Once I realize that I have wasted my hard earned money and time I start to panic. My A.D. D. kicks in to overdrive. I start wince at every bad line. I boldly proclaim to Angela that this is the worst movie I have ever seen. I repeatedly search for the exits.
Part of it is my fault. You see, my favorite movie genre by far is comedy. I do like some dramas and documentaries as well. I will not watch action, adventure, horror, thriller, romantic comedy, buddy movie, science fiction, western, animation, mystery, love story or any type of chick flick. Mostly, I only watch comedies which is why I have been so upset lately. Where have all the good comedies gone? I don’t understand why it is so hard to write a comedy film. There are so many great comedians out there and so many terrible, terrible comedy films. Chris Rock funny, Chris Rock movies…..garbage. Ditto Bernie Mac, Dave Chapelle, Cedrick the Entertaina (what is Cedrick’s last name?) Martin Lawrence, Chris Tucker and a host of others.
I just got done watching the movie Guess Who? Featuring Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac. On paper this film has some potential. A slightly effeminate Ashton Kutcher and his black girl friend who decides to surprise her dad (Bernie Mac) by bringing home a white boy. Hilarity does not ensue. I just don’t get how such a slightly promising premise can get so butchered by comedy writers.
I recently saw a few other comedy movies that again on paper offered promising ideas and/or casts and then proceeded to bomb. In the flick Be Cool, you think you could be in for some laughs. You got a Vince Vaughn trying to act black; you got Cedrick the Entertaina, The Rock playing a gay guy and Andre 3000 from Outcast. Not to mention the tasty Christina Milian. I know, I know Jon Travolta’s pathetic ass was in it too and again he is asking us to pretend he is this ultra cool guy but still I thought it could be funny. Worst movie ever.
Vince Vaughn has been in some real stinkers lately. Dodgeball? How could they mess this one up? You could totally tell Vince was just mailing this one in. Did he shoot this movie while in rehab?
The last movie I have seen recently is Beauty Shop. I didn’t really think it was gonna be good but I was forced into watching it. It did have some promise on paper. I really enjoyed Barbershop. Plus it featured a hot Rudi Huxtable wearing hotpants and acting slutty. I just don’t understand how these writers can look at themselves in the mirror with the drivel they put out. It’s almost as if they are trying to come up with just enough material to fill out a 30 second trailer. We should sue them all for their bait and switch antics. I guess I will just continue to watch Friday, Office Space, The Cable Guy, Half Baked and Swingers over and over again.

Fall TV

Hello again everybody, I am trying to post on this thing once a week now but I will not always make it. I wanted to post some fall television reviews. I must admit, to a certain extent, I am growing out of the reality TV genre. It seems to me that every year the shows get faker and faker. Don’t get me wrong I still watch hours of reality TV a week but I’m just not enjoying it as much as I used to. Much to my wife’s dismay I have become almost completely consumed with sports. The only thing I talk with her about is sports. To her credit she is nice enough to pretend to care. This time of the year (as I mentioned two blogs ago in “I love me some me.”) it is near impossible to not be consumed with sports. UW football is undefeated and beat Michigan a couple of weeks ago. Not to mention Brooks Bollinger starting for the Jets and Ron Dayne sporting a sweet Madison stoner goatee on Monday night football a couple of weeks ago. The fantasy sports seasons are in full swing. I am already starting to lose interest in fantasy football as I look ahead to the fantasy basketball season. The beauty of being forced to grow up as a Chicago sports fan is that you are always looking ahead because the present and past are too painful. Which brings me to the White Sox. The realist in me figured they were destined to blow it at the end of the season. When that didn’t happen I thought for sure they would be swept by the Red Sox. Now I don’t know what to think. The best part of last night’s sweep was watching the local news interviews with White Sox fans. Oh my lord I think we have discovered the missing link. Dhere leader da mayor was pleased with dat big win over by der in Boston der. Fucking A. Hopefully Bartolo will blank his former team a couple times in the next series or maybe Contreras and El dookie will be psyched out vs. their former pinstripes. Here’s the fall TV line up.

The Office- NBC- Tues. 8:30- Reviewing a non reality television series blasphemy you say! I know I’m sorry. The Office is the best show on network television since Seinfeld. Of course it will probably fail because viewers aren’t smart enough to laugh unless there is a laugh track telling them when the funny parts are. Crappy ass network TV and especially crappy ass NBC doesn’t deserve a show of this caliber. Which reminds me NBC is the worst network ever. How could the once dominant network of our youth which featured such innovative shows as Family Ties, The Cosby Show, Cheers, It’s a Different World, Blossom, Saved by the Bell and Seinfeld put out so much garbage nowadays? Who runs that network? Or should I say who is running that network into the ground. They were behind the curve for the reality boom. They have never put out a quality reality show. NBC has no creativity. They lack the ability to take a risk. Instead NBC puts out drivel, Seinfeld, Friends, and Cheers spin offs. ER is still on for Christ sake. At least CBS had some guts (or luck) to start the reality craze with early successful shows called Survivor, Big Brother and the Amazing Race. ABC is not much better than NBC, but they are finding some recent success with Desperate Housewives, and Lost. The main reason NBC sucks in comparison to ABC and CBS is the decimation of NBC’s sports programming. On CBS you get college football, the NCAA tourney, the Masters, the NFL, and The U.S. Open among others. On ABC you get college football, the BCS championship game, the NBA and most importantly Monday Night Football (which they are getting rid of what the hell are they thinking?). What do we get on NBC? NASCAR, Ice Skating, horse racing, BMX bike racing, X game bullshit. Next thing you know they’ll be showing hockey! What ever happened to the inspirational NBA on NBC John Tesh theme music? Da da da da da duh da da duh duh duh dun dun dun dun dun da da. The only good thing about this has been the death of Bob Costas’ career.
Of course none of these crappy networks can even touch Fox. Fox dominates them in sports, risk taking and the ability to think outside of the box. Remember when Fox was just that cute little network with crappy reception. Since then every network has tried and failed to copy them. Think about all the innovative programming from back in the day Tracy Ullman, Married With Children, In Living Color, 21 Jump Street, Get a Life, It’s the Gary Shandling Show, The Ben Stiller Show, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Madd TV, The Simpsons, The X Files, Party of Five, 90210, Melrose Place, Martin. They have kept up the quality programming with The Simpsons, The Family Guy, Malcom in the Middle, Arrested Development, The Bernie Mac Show, The O.C. and 24. None of these shows would have ever been on one of the “big three” networks. Of course Fox has dominated in sports with must see sporting events like The Super Bowl and The World Series. They invented the blatantly trashy reality genre with Cops and America’s Most Wanted. They kept it up with Who wants to Marry a Millionaire, Joe Millionaire, Temptation Island, Trading Spouses etc etc. In addition they have what is possibly the most popular reality show in history, American Idol.

Survivor-CBS- Thurs. 7:00 Survivor is the only show that doesn’t get old after two or three seasons. It must have something to do with the editing. I think it stays the most real. You can tell when over editing changes what is being filmed into some contrived drama (think The Apprentice). They do the same old challenges and have the same old rewards and host on Survivor but for some reason it doesn’t get old. The conditions are still the most extreme and I think that causes people to interact in interesting ways. I think Survivor has kept its integrity by casting real people. So many other “reality” shows have been infiltrated with scripts and actors.

The Apprentice-NBC-Thurs. 8:00. Every season it gets harder and harder to watch the Apprentice. The contestants are more incompetent. The editing leaves the show with contrived drama. The Donald is annoying and has no clear criteria for why he keeps people and why he fires them. Although I do like competition and backstabbing in my reality shows and The Apprentice has plenty of both.

America’s Next Top Model-UPN-Wed. 7:00. Yet another show that I swore off last season. Originally the main reason I watched this show was to see hot 19 years olds parade around in lingerie and bathing suits. I stayed for the girls cat fights and entertaining flamboyance by the judges. Last season though they were missing a key component to the show. THERE WERE NO HOT GIRLS!!!! This season they have gotten back to their bread and butter which is a good thing. Although I don’t know how much more Tyra I can take. I usually just press mute when she starts talking.

Breaking Bonaduce-VH1- All day everyday. Oh my god this show scares me. Never before when watching a reality show have I had to turn the channel because I was too disturbed to continue watching. VH1 should be ashamed of themselves. I can see them pitching this show to Danny Bonaduce. “So Danny basically the show will be about your suicidal behavior and how it affects your young children and co-dependent wife.” It seems that Danny thinks the closer he gets to killing himself (and possibly others) the better it will be for his career. YIKES!!!

End of the season awards

I wanted to give out a few awards for the end of the season. I do apologize to my female readers but sports are the only thing I think about that is fit to print. Also I have some new competition an all fantasy sports blog brought to you by my friend Dug (lassticity.blogspot.com)

National League
MVP-I guess this was a three horse race between Pujols, DLee and Andrew Jones. Well since I am a big fantasy sports guy and a big lover of individual statistics. I’m gonna have to give this one to DerriLeek. I don’t by into the philosophy that the MVP can only come from a playoff team. That’s bunk. The Cardinals and Braves always make the playoffs. These two didn’t have any different seasons than they usually have. Pujols limped to the end of the season. Jones did as well. Plus Jones only hit .260. DLEE had consistent numbers all season. He played on a .500 team that wouldn’t have gotten a win without him.

Cy Young- This was a tough one. Clemens, Chris Carpenter, and Dontrelle Willis. I really wanted to give it to Willis he is one of my favorite players. Willis and Carpenter kinda fell apart at the end of the year. Plus they played on pretty nice offensive squads. You put Roger Clemens on the Marlins or Cardinals and he gets 20 wins as well. Clemens has far superior ERA and WHIP. Plus, as much as his personality gets on my nerves, there is no doubt he is the best pitcher in the history of the game. He had to pitch in the steroids era. He is at a supreme disadvantage to the dominant pitchers of fifty years ago or so. He got all his numbers pitching in five man rotations which they didn’t have way back when. Not to mention the scouting that hitters are privy to nowadays.

Manager of the Year-Bobby Cox. At first I typed Frank Robinson. It is usually taken for granted that the Braves are gonna make the postseason. Yet again the preseason pundits predicted the demise of the Braves this year. Injuries and bullpen issues surrounded them all season. They started something like six rookies. Yet none of that mattered as they cruised to their 14th? straight division title.

Rookie of the Year-I guess I’ll go with Ryan Howard. I am a little confused on what can be considered a rookie. How many games does one have to play to be considered a rookie? David Wright played in 69 games last year Howard played in 20. Howard is a rookie but Wright isn’t?

American League
MVP-Big Papi. I don’t buy this you have to play the field argument. AROD isn’t getting votes because of his fielding. MVP is an award for offense. Big Papi has been the best offensive player in the American League. Two people that should be getting more mention for the award are Manny Ramirez and Mark Texiera.

Cy Young-I had both Cy Young candidates on my team this year yey me. Bartolo Colon and Mariano Rivera. I’m going to vote for the fat man every time. Bartolo wins.

Manager of the Year- Ozzie Guillen. I don’t know the Indians manager may have done more with less but I don’t know his name so I guess I can’t vote for him.

Rookie of the Year- Jorge Cantu, Grady Sizemore or Johnny Gomes. Are all these guys eligible? Cantu may not be. I give the award to Sizemore although he might not be eligible either (Cantu played 50 games last year Sizemore 40). Huston Street has also been impressive.