Summer Reality Reviews

Man lucky for you guys I have no desire to do anything meaningful with my life. As I have mentioned before I have been having a tough time connecting with these new summer reality TV series’. However, I have been receiving a lot of pressure from my editors to put out this season’s reality TV reviews. Although I have seen, on average, only one or two episodes of each of these shows (sometimes less than ten minutes of a show) I still feel that I can give each one a fair critique.

The Surreal Life- This is the granddaddy of summer reality shows for me. I was most excited about this one. Unfortunately, so far it has not lived up to my expectations. One of the reasons I liked this show so much is that it was relatively real. These 7 or 8 washed up stars lived in a house together and for the most part seemed relatively genuine (whether they were genuine weirdoes, alcoholics, or assholes.) In a reality show it is important, at least to me, that there be some semblance of believability. This season the Surreal Life is going down the road that so many other reality shows before it have gone down, the road of over sensationalizing. We need a little bit of reality in our reality shows. The same thing happened to the Real World. For some reason after the fourth season of the Real World the creators felt that they needed to spice it up a bit. So instead of going with a diverse group of regular people, they decided that from now on they were only allowing the short tempered, narrow minded, incredibly good looking, binge drinking nymphomaniacs that we see in modern day Real World episodes. It’s really too bad because that was a good show and I hope the Surreal Life doesn’t start to suck but inevitably it will. On the first episode almost everyone was completely crazy. They were all talking so much shit about each other. They all hated each other before they even met. Come on now! Balki Bartokomouse is this pathetic, groping, fat, balding mess. Omarosa and Janice Dickenson are so over the top hate able that it’s not even interesting. Then they have these two people that I have never even heard of (some motocross guy and some model.) Weren’t these people supposed to be at least a little bit famous? Jose Canseco and Pepa (from SaltnPepa) are the only two normal ones in the house.
I was slightly more encouraged by the second episode. The gang has to bowl vs. a group of developmentally disabled people. Janice Dickenson is so sad. She’s calling them retards and Rainman and stuff. She looks so nasty with all the plastic surgery she has had. There’s no doubt she’s on drugs. I am straining to remember a more messed up individual in the history of reality TV. Come to think of it, the five most pathetic people in reality TV history probably all come from this series (Corey Feldman, Vanilla Ice, Bridgette Nielsen, Chyna Doll and Janice Dickenson.) Although, given time, I’m sure I could think of some more pathetic examples from other shows. Anyway, I was slightly encouraged because at least the rest of the housemates were appalled at her appalling behavior. Omarosa showed that she may indeed be a real person and not just a character.

The Real World- I have seen all four of this seasons episodes so I am highly qualified to hate on this show. Actually as Real Worlds go this one is not half bad so far. First of all there was “the punch.” The single most impressive act of violence ever committed on a reality show. I have never seen someone punched with so much force. I was thrilled to see it was the cute guy with the charming Boston accent getting the left side of his face bashed in by some random guy on the street. This was all started by the resident drunk of the house, Johanna, who is Johotashell too bad she is such a mess. Of course after the fight everyone goes to blame the black guy and hot girl is never even questioned by guy who almost lost his sight. Ooooh this show is so aggravating. Why do they always put 6 stupid ass white people and 1 not stupid black person on the show? Is that fair? Why do these not stupid black people keep signing up to be a part of this? Are they masochists or something? Of course you are gonna get attacked when you speak out against George Bush or the war. What the hell are you thinking black guy? You are living with six stupid ass white people. The guy from Boston just epitomizes everything that is wrong about this show. “I think Bush is a good leadah.” (Great they found the one republican in Boston.) Then black guy says, “Well I don’t see why he had to start this war?”
Stupid Boston guy says, “what the hell are you talking about pally, what about 4,000 dead people is that not enough?” Apparently he was saying the reason we are at war with Iraq has something to do with the people that died in the World Trade Center. Black guy should have said “What are you talking about? The people who bombed the World Trade Center were from Afghanistan?” (actually Saudi Arabia but that’s a whole other topic). Of course black guy doesn’t say this because he has already lost his brain by spending so much time with these people. *On a more positive note there probably has never been a show with two girls as hot as Johanna and Melinda . The other girl is alright but I am struggling to think of another pair that rivals Johanna and Melinda . Someone help me out. Real World Miami had two or three hot girls (Flora, Cynthia and Melissa). I know many seasons have had a hot chick or two but none match up to these two
Minding the Store- I just saw the first two episodes of this one last night. My childhood idol, Pauly Shore, is back and horny as ever. This could be the best show of the season because it seems the most real. Pauly is a has been personality who has now been relegated to running his mom’s comedy club (the legendary, but struggling, Comedy Store). It shows him going to his sex therapist (he is a sex addict). His main goal is to try to revive the struggling business while simultaneously trying to resurrect his career. His relationships with the other people on the show are genuine and often times hilarious, especially his interactions with his father. Let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Being Bobby Brown- I can’t watch this show sober. I heard if you play the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon as soon as the show starts and push mute on the TV the music matches perfectly to the characters movements on the show.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy-This show is so old. Can we please put make over shows to bed now? I was all excited to see the first episode of the season featuring the Red Sox. It sucked. I wanted to see David “Big Papi” Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Pedro, Schilling. Instead I get Doug Mirabelli and Tim Wakefield who the hell cares about them? At least they had Johnny Damon and his hot little wife on there but even that was anti climatic. None of the players even got haircuts or shaves. They just got massaged, waxed and new clothes big deal.

Dances with the Stars- I don’t know what is more surprising; that I never have seen a minute of this show or that so many other people watched it? Why was it so popular? It looked awful. I guess that Seinfeld guy could really dance and he didn’t even win it. That’s a shame.

The Cut- It’s the Apprentice meets Project Runway. Tommy Hilfiger plays Donald Trump. I have barely seen any of this show but I know it ain’t that good. One comedic highlight is that Tommy is trying to maintain the appearance that he is a heterosexual. Come on now Tommy. You may not be a real designer but you are real gay!

Hogan Knows Best- Sorry Doug and Mel but this show looks terrible. I do like in the commercials when Hogan shuts the door and then does this weird pose where he smoothes out his mustache and flexes. I laugh every time I see that. I’m still waiting for the show “Everyone loves The Ultimate Warrior.”

Celebrity Fit Club- Gary Busey someone needs to put that dude out of his misery. You see this is why we need to reopen all the mental institutions. This dude should not be allowed to walk among us.