Babies

*sorry I haven't posted lately I have been busy. I am thinking of changing the format of the blog from long stories every other day to short blurbs a few times a day. We'll see I'm sure you are all sitting on the edge of your seats.

So Angela and I were laying in bed Saturday morning awake at 5:00 am for some reason talking about baby names.* Yeah I know we’re pretty cool huh? Anyways I can not divulge all of the names we talked about because I know you biters will try to copy our style. Our friends just had a baby. I remember when they told us they were pregnant, they said “If it’s a boy we want to name it Miles and if it’s a girl we want to name it _____.” I couldn’t believe it those were the exact two names that Angela and I picked out for our own baby! (They ended up having a Miles and I can’t tell you what name they wanted for a girl because we are still planning on using that name.) Since they were having an actual baby and we were only having a pretend baby we let them have the name Miles. But it woulda been cool Miles Davis Rasmussen. We’ll have to have our girl before they do so they don’t steal that one as well.
So we thought of a bunch of names most of mine were shot down by my lovely wife.

Girls
Condaleeza
Omarosa
Trichelle
Tanya
Kelly Clarkson
Boys
Colon
Puck
Jeff Probst
R. Kelly
Rueben Studdard

If we have a kid I want to name it after a sports legend which is why I suggested O.J. Or maybe my favorite baseball player of all time, Jose Canseco. Angela suggested the name Stephan (pronounced Steff on. Not Steven). At first I really liked this. I love Stephan Marbury the legendary point guard and play ground legend straight outta tha BK (Brooklyn). But then I started thinking that Angela would probably turn him into Stephan the hairstylist. This sports legend idea isn’t working out.

Then I thought alright how about a famous politician or government official. I was thinking Condileeza and Colon but there are just way too many ways those names could be made fun of or turned into other words that sound like them. Then I had a brilliant idea. We would use both of our father’s names and at the same time would be naming him after one of the most respected men in Washington…. Clarence Thomas. Unfortunately we ended up nixing that name as well. We were afraid some of the kids at school that were into early nineties trivia might call our poor son Pubic Hair on the Coke Guy. I was getting frustrated. Angela was shooting down all my ideas. “We got to name him after something famous happening in the news,” I said. “I know how about Gitmo!”
Little Gitmo. It’s so cute.

Angela suggested naming it after a famous musician. If it was a girl I wanted to call her Pink. Angela said how about Kelly Clarkson. I thought Kelly Clarkson Rasmussen had a nice ring to it. I thought R Kelly Rasmussen sounded nice, but what if they call him
R Kelly R for short. That would be lame. We thought Clay Aiken or Ruben Studdard would be nice. But what if he had Achy joints or a Studdaring problem. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

I noticed in the news lately (and by news of course I mean E! Hollywood News and People magazine) the trendy thing for hot Hollywood A-listers to do is to name their kids after inanimate objects. For instance, Gwenneth Paltrow and the dude from Coldplay named their kid Apple. Angela said we should name it after something we’ve always wanted but were never able to have. How about TIVO? I thought it would be sweeter to name it after something that we use every day and couldn’t live without, Toilet Paper Rasmussen.
We decided we better just name them after what we know best, reality TV stars. Who wouldn’t want their child to carry on the legacy of a Trichelle or Tonya from the Real World? Angela didn’t seem as impressed with their feats as I was. Oh well, after hours of arguing we finally settled on Yao 2.

*note: Parents and In-laws in writing this story I am in no way trying to say that Angela is currently pregnant.

Hollywood

*Hey folks I'm taking the weekend off enjoy the musings of guest blogger Dug.
Has everyone in Hollywood lost their mind? Or does every consumer like to waste money on crap? Lately every single movie you see coming out is either a remake that should have never been made, or just a crappy looking movie. Unfortunately I have also contributed to this crap, but that won't happen anymore. A year ago I wasted $7.50 to go watch Harold and Kumar go to White Castle…this movie wasn’t all that bad but it sure wasn’t worth $7.50 to see. I should have known it was going to be a waste of money when the 16 year ticket boy asked for my ID to get in the movie.
But let’s take a look at some of this crap I speak about. First you have Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Sure it has Johnny Deep and yeah he is a talented actor, but does anyone really want to watch this? First I can’t stand seeing Johnny Deep in the previews it makes me sick. Second they showed some of the umpa lumpas and what the hell was that, those are not umpa lumpas. Before you could call someone an umpa lumpa and everyone would get it, now it means nothing. This movie at best is a rent.
Another remake that looks terrible is The Bad News Bears. This movie really should have been left on the shelf. The original Bad News Bears was great, once they went to Tokyo and Russia a remake shouldn’t have even been thought of. I am interested to see who they have to play Kelly (the Marlboro smoking dirt bike riding punk with the greasy hair) that kid was a perfect dirt ball. I will catch this one on Sunday night in 4 years.
You know Hollywood completely lost their mind when they made Bewitched into a movie. Did anyone really watch the TV show when it was on…or even now? This looks like the biggest piece of crap out right now. I am a fan of Will Ferrell but there is no way I am going to see this ever. One good thing about this movie is that it proves my point that Nicole Kidman is completely over-rated.
Since I mentioned Bewitched I guess I have to address the Dukes of Hazard. Embarrassing as it sounds, I will probably rent this one. Any movie with Johnny Knoxville, Stiffler and Jessica Simpson has to be good.
I can’t wait until next summer when I get to see previews for the new C.H.I.P.S. remake where A.C. Slater is going to play Ponch. And the Happy Days movie where we will all enjoy seeing Ben Afflect play Fonzi while Owen Wilson plays Ralph Mouth. I hope they still let Mr. Miyagi play Arnold like he did 30 years ago…..

Kings of Comedy

Last night I saw a special on the great comedian Bob Newhart and it inspired me to come up with my list of all time great stand up comedians. You see, along with sports and reality TV, another passion of mine is comedy. The lists I created made me reminisce about the 80’s and early 90’s, which compared to today was a golden era of stand up comedy. When I was a pre-teen my brother and I would watch many different stand up shows on Friday and Saturday nights. I think they were usually on Fox or A&E (who could forget Geechie Guy’s bit on riding the bus). I would dream of someday becoming a great stand up comedian.
I wanted to make a list specifically about stand up comedians because it seems that stand up comedy has hit a dry spell. Mocumentaries and improvisation are more en vogue now a days. I have left many people off of these lists in an attempt to narrow them down a bit. Almost all comedians try their hand at stand up at some point in their career. I wanted to highlight some who were the best of their era. While many stand up comedians have gone on to become big stars in movies or on TV, for the most part the comics on my list were at their best on stage with nothing but a microphone and a bar stool. (Sorry Carrot Top and Gallagher).
I split my list into five eras’; pre 1970’s, The 70’s, The 80’s, The 90’s and the 2000’s. I wanted to stick to the top 5 format that I am used to but it was just to hard to leave a few of these folks out so I had to fudge. Also of course this list is just my own opinion. I did leave some big names off such as: Robin Williams, Dennis Miller, Tim Allen, Jeff Foxworthy, Dennis Leary and Andrew Dice Clay mostly because I just don’t think these people are that funny.

Pre 1970’s (*I must admit I don’t know too much about this era. I have seen or heard some material from some of these comics. Others I am just listing because of reputation. I will list the comics whose stand up I have actually heard first for this era.)
1. Bill Cosby
2. Redd Foxx
3. Bob Newhart
4. Milton Berle
5. Johnny Winters
6. Alan King

Others that I can’t leave off the list (and I’m sure I’m missing dozens) are:
1. Lenny Bruce
2. Jack Benny
3. Moms Mabley
4. Don Rickles
5. Mort Sahl
6. etc, etc….

1970’s

1. Richard Prior (probably the best ever)
2. George Carlin (or maybe he was)
3. Robert Klein (most of the greats list him as major influence)
4. Albert Brooks (in my top 10 funniest people of all time no doubt)
5. Steve Martin(not a huge fan of most of his movies butwas good at stand up)
6. Andy Kaufman

1980’s

1. Eddie Murphy (in my top five if not my top two)
2. Sam Kinison (haven’t heard too much of his stuff enough to know he funny)
3. Rodney Dangerfield (getting “no respect” on this list.)
4. Gary Shandling (his first show on Fox was kind of a precursor to Seinfeld)
5. Roseanne Barr (she was funny and pretty revolutionary at the time)
6. Bill Hicks (haven’t seen enough of him but I hear he was great)

1990’s

1. Steven Wright (awesome but I need to see more of his stuff)
2. Jerry Seinfeld (better at stand up than sitcom)
3. Martin Lawrence (same here)
4. Ellen Degeneres (ditto)
5. Sinbad (the stand up to sit com era,apologies to Brett Butler and Paul Riser)
6. Janeane Garaffalo (I remember her as being funny what happened?)

2000’s

1. Dave Chappelle (needs to rebound)
2. Chris Rock
3. David Cross (seen just enought to know how funny he is)
4. Eddie Izzard (again I need to see more)
5. Bernie Mac (the Kings of Comedy era begins)
6. Cedric the Entertainer
7. Wanda Sykes (and Queens.)

Just to reiterate many, many funny people who have done stand up were left off including: Most Saturday Night Live alum, all Canadians, comedy writers, physical comedians, prop comics etc….anyone whose bread and butter was not specifically stand up comedy.

Summer Reality Reviews

Man lucky for you guys I have no desire to do anything meaningful with my life. As I have mentioned before I have been having a tough time connecting with these new summer reality TV series’. However, I have been receiving a lot of pressure from my editors to put out this season’s reality TV reviews. Although I have seen, on average, only one or two episodes of each of these shows (sometimes less than ten minutes of a show) I still feel that I can give each one a fair critique.

The Surreal Life- This is the granddaddy of summer reality shows for me. I was most excited about this one. Unfortunately, so far it has not lived up to my expectations. One of the reasons I liked this show so much is that it was relatively real. These 7 or 8 washed up stars lived in a house together and for the most part seemed relatively genuine (whether they were genuine weirdoes, alcoholics, or assholes.) In a reality show it is important, at least to me, that there be some semblance of believability. This season the Surreal Life is going down the road that so many other reality shows before it have gone down, the road of over sensationalizing. We need a little bit of reality in our reality shows. The same thing happened to the Real World. For some reason after the fourth season of the Real World the creators felt that they needed to spice it up a bit. So instead of going with a diverse group of regular people, they decided that from now on they were only allowing the short tempered, narrow minded, incredibly good looking, binge drinking nymphomaniacs that we see in modern day Real World episodes. It’s really too bad because that was a good show and I hope the Surreal Life doesn’t start to suck but inevitably it will. On the first episode almost everyone was completely crazy. They were all talking so much shit about each other. They all hated each other before they even met. Come on now! Balki Bartokomouse is this pathetic, groping, fat, balding mess. Omarosa and Janice Dickenson are so over the top hate able that it’s not even interesting. Then they have these two people that I have never even heard of (some motocross guy and some model.) Weren’t these people supposed to be at least a little bit famous? Jose Canseco and Pepa (from SaltnPepa) are the only two normal ones in the house.
I was slightly more encouraged by the second episode. The gang has to bowl vs. a group of developmentally disabled people. Janice Dickenson is so sad. She’s calling them retards and Rainman and stuff. She looks so nasty with all the plastic surgery she has had. There’s no doubt she’s on drugs. I am straining to remember a more messed up individual in the history of reality TV. Come to think of it, the five most pathetic people in reality TV history probably all come from this series (Corey Feldman, Vanilla Ice, Bridgette Nielsen, Chyna Doll and Janice Dickenson.) Although, given time, I’m sure I could think of some more pathetic examples from other shows. Anyway, I was slightly encouraged because at least the rest of the housemates were appalled at her appalling behavior. Omarosa showed that she may indeed be a real person and not just a character.

The Real World- I have seen all four of this seasons episodes so I am highly qualified to hate on this show. Actually as Real Worlds go this one is not half bad so far. First of all there was “the punch.” The single most impressive act of violence ever committed on a reality show. I have never seen someone punched with so much force. I was thrilled to see it was the cute guy with the charming Boston accent getting the left side of his face bashed in by some random guy on the street. This was all started by the resident drunk of the house, Johanna, who is Johotashell too bad she is such a mess. Of course after the fight everyone goes to blame the black guy and hot girl is never even questioned by guy who almost lost his sight. Ooooh this show is so aggravating. Why do they always put 6 stupid ass white people and 1 not stupid black person on the show? Is that fair? Why do these not stupid black people keep signing up to be a part of this? Are they masochists or something? Of course you are gonna get attacked when you speak out against George Bush or the war. What the hell are you thinking black guy? You are living with six stupid ass white people. The guy from Boston just epitomizes everything that is wrong about this show. “I think Bush is a good leadah.” (Great they found the one republican in Boston.) Then black guy says, “Well I don’t see why he had to start this war?”
Stupid Boston guy says, “what the hell are you talking about pally, what about 4,000 dead people is that not enough?” Apparently he was saying the reason we are at war with Iraq has something to do with the people that died in the World Trade Center. Black guy should have said “What are you talking about? The people who bombed the World Trade Center were from Afghanistan?” (actually Saudi Arabia but that’s a whole other topic). Of course black guy doesn’t say this because he has already lost his brain by spending so much time with these people. *On a more positive note there probably has never been a show with two girls as hot as Johanna and Melinda . The other girl is alright but I am struggling to think of another pair that rivals Johanna and Melinda . Someone help me out. Real World Miami had two or three hot girls (Flora, Cynthia and Melissa). I know many seasons have had a hot chick or two but none match up to these two
Minding the Store- I just saw the first two episodes of this one last night. My childhood idol, Pauly Shore, is back and horny as ever. This could be the best show of the season because it seems the most real. Pauly is a has been personality who has now been relegated to running his mom’s comedy club (the legendary, but struggling, Comedy Store). It shows him going to his sex therapist (he is a sex addict). His main goal is to try to revive the struggling business while simultaneously trying to resurrect his career. His relationships with the other people on the show are genuine and often times hilarious, especially his interactions with his father. Let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Being Bobby Brown- I can’t watch this show sober. I heard if you play the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon as soon as the show starts and push mute on the TV the music matches perfectly to the characters movements on the show.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy-This show is so old. Can we please put make over shows to bed now? I was all excited to see the first episode of the season featuring the Red Sox. It sucked. I wanted to see David “Big Papi” Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Pedro, Schilling. Instead I get Doug Mirabelli and Tim Wakefield who the hell cares about them? At least they had Johnny Damon and his hot little wife on there but even that was anti climatic. None of the players even got haircuts or shaves. They just got massaged, waxed and new clothes big deal.

Dances with the Stars- I don’t know what is more surprising; that I never have seen a minute of this show or that so many other people watched it? Why was it so popular? It looked awful. I guess that Seinfeld guy could really dance and he didn’t even win it. That’s a shame.

The Cut- It’s the Apprentice meets Project Runway. Tommy Hilfiger plays Donald Trump. I have barely seen any of this show but I know it ain’t that good. One comedic highlight is that Tommy is trying to maintain the appearance that he is a heterosexual. Come on now Tommy. You may not be a real designer but you are real gay!

Hogan Knows Best- Sorry Doug and Mel but this show looks terrible. I do like in the commercials when Hogan shuts the door and then does this weird pose where he smoothes out his mustache and flexes. I laugh every time I see that. I’m still waiting for the show “Everyone loves The Ultimate Warrior.”

Celebrity Fit Club- Gary Busey someone needs to put that dude out of his misery. You see this is why we need to reopen all the mental institutions. This dude should not be allowed to walk among us.

This American Life

I’m still awaiting Ira Glass’s phone call until then let me allow you to feel better about your life by sharing my pathetic daily schedule with you. What I did over my summer vacation.

8:30 am- Blinding sunlight pours through the eastward facing, large picture window. I erect a wall of pillows on the bed in between me and the sun.
8:45 am- Awakened by putrid smell of my own morning breath ricocheting off the wall of pillows back into my face. I’m envious of my wife who has no problem sleeping until noon even though she rarely does. Damn it! Ever since that fate full day that we started “dating” a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life was made; I chose the right side of the bed.
9:00 am- Yao wakes up in his cage. Apparently, he too is unhappy with his sleeping arrangement and begins to bark loudly.
9:02 am- Angela is busy pretending to sleep. I give her subtle “accidental” jabs on the back and legs in the hopes that she will wake up and handle the dog barking problem.
9:10 am- Annoyed by the constant demands from the two men in her life Angela gets out of bed and lets one of them out of his cage to go for a walk.
9:15 am- Alright! I am now in a dog free house. This gives me the extra boost I need to get me out of bed.
9:16 am- Go to the kitchen to perform my only contribution to the family unit. It is however the most important task. I make the coffee.
9:20 am- While waiting for coffee and the return of Angela and Yao I turn on all the TV’s and the computer. Oprah takes me through breakfast.
9:45 am- Start to feel effects of the first drug of the day (caffeine). I am now rapidly traveling down the information superhighway. Crucial information about batting averages, Tom Cruise, Jenny Finch, Steve Dahl, fantasy baseball free agents, Larry Brown, Dave Chappelle, reality TV, baseball player injury news and random blogs is received. Continue to look at pictures, read articles and statistics for the next three hours.
12:45 pm- Turn around and chastise Yao for being a lazy bum. He opens one eye briefly then goes back to sleep. Oh well, back to the internet for me.
1:15 pm- Start feeling bored. Energy level is lowering. I stand up and feel light headed. My legs and butt ache. There is a strange feeling in my stomach. I guess its time for lunch. I go to the kitchen to prepare grilled cheese, a hot dog or frozen pizza depending on my mood. At the first sound of cellophane crackling Yao jumps out of his slumber and joins me in the kitchen. I tell him “You ain’t gettin shit!” He patiently waits for me to mess up while preparing my food and drop something on the ground.
1:25 pm- I desire a change of scenery while I dine so I plop down in front of the TV in the living room. Yao sits inches from my food. He stares at me; he stares at the food, waiting for his chance. Finally he gives up and goes to eat his own food, getting most of it on his face and on the floor. He returns to the couch. I make fun of him for having food all over his face. He takes revenge by licking me for 5 minutes straight.
1:45 pm- I wonder what the weather is like today? I go check the temperature on the trusty internet. Stay on for another hour.
2:45 pm- Start feeling anxious. Like there is something I am supposed to be doing but not quite sure what. Yao wants to play. He picks up a dirty sock and dares me to chase him. I start to, but he changes his mind and decides we are going to have a tug o’ war instead.
3:00 pm- Sick of playing I let Yao win. I get up to do something else but he is not through playing. He jumps up to bite the bottom of my shorts. He latches on and begins pulling them down. I swat at him. He begins barking at me, with his butt in the air and tail wagging. I jump at him to try to make him flinch. He does the same thing to me. Then he begins running frantically in circles around the living room jumping on couches messing up the rug.
3:05 pm- Yao won’t leave me alone so it’s off to the cage for him. He handles the punishment well by promptly falling asleep.
3:10 pm- Now I am feeling guilty for doing “nothing” all day. It’s after three already? Looking at the glass as half empty I feel like a loser for wasting the day. Looking at it as half full I realize I am that much closer to tomorrow. The boring day is almost through and I can enjoy primetime television viewing. Before that happens I must accomplish something. Ah ha! I unload the dishwasher.
3:20 pm-Back to the internet.
4:00 pm- Yao is awake and he’s pissed. Ok. Ok. I let him out of the cage and put his leash on. “Do you wanna go outside? Do you wanna go outside?” I feel proud of myself because not only am I going outside to take the dog for a short walk but I am also taking out the garbage. What would Angela do without me?
4:01 pm- Whoa! It’s hot out here! Walk Yao around the block wading through all the litter in our neighborhood. Yao chokes himself by trying to chase a bicyclist. He poops. I wonder what the people at Glad would think if they knew what we’re using their sandwich bags for? I throw the poop in someone else’s garbage can.
4:15 pm- Race Yao up the four flights of stairs. I win again! Phew, I’m exhausted. I sit back down on the couch. One of my favorite shows, “Pardon the Interruption,” is almost on. Remote in hand I sit down and start working my magic. Because we have digital cable, I am able to read about everything that’s going to be on that night with just the click of a button. I set multiple reminders that will pop up every time a show I want to watch starts.
4:30 pm- Begin some quality television watching.
5:30 pm- Angela comes home from whatever she was doing all day. I tell her about all the work Yao and I have been doing all day. She tells me about what she did. Teaching people how to teach technology to underprivileged children or something or other? I tell her to take the dog out.
6:00 pm- Eat dinner. Grilled cheese, a hotdog or frozen pizza depending on my mood.
6:30 pm- Back to the TV, Angela’s got work to do. She’s in school getting another masters or something or other.
7:00 pm- Watching TV. I’m a little concerned about something. I have been trying to get into these new summer reality TV series’ and it has really been a struggle. None of these new shows are sparking my interest. Can it be that I am recovering from my reality TV addiction? Luckily some old stand bys like The Real World and The Surreal Life are on this summer.
8:00 pm- This new reality TV dilemma is stressing me out. Second drug of the day (beer) is consumed to help relax me. I hunker down and try to work through my new reality TV problem.
8:30 pm- It’s just not the right. I gotta wait until September for the new season of Survivor? I’m antsy. Third drug of the day (nicotine) is consumed.
9:00 pm- Time to poop. I actually read something that is not on a screen.
9:15 pm-Back to the TV.
10:00 pm- Take Yao out for the last time of the day. Instead of going around the block we walk approximately fifty feet and then turn around and go home.
10:05 pm- Bother Angela for a while.
10:10 pm- Back to the old you know what.
11:00 pm- Go out on the back porch for one last smoke. Listen to neighbors yell and curse at each other in a variety of languages.
11:15 pm-Tell Angela I’m going to bed. She tells me to put the dog to bed. “God do I have to do everything around here?” I ask. Put the dog to bed.
11:20 pm- Brush teeth.
11:25 pm- Get in bed and wait for Angela to come to bed. Angela waits until I fall asleep and then comes to bed.

Future HOFers

Yesterday I made my all time greatest ever line up. Today I will focus on the greatest current players. Again I will have a list of starters and their reserves. Most of these players do not compare with the folks on yesterday’s list (Although their home run totals are inflated). All of these players should find their way into the Hall of Fame. However, time will tell how their numbers will be judged.

First Base- Albert Pujols. I know, I know it’s too early to call but just look at his numbers. In his first four years he is averaging 40 homers, 125 RBI, .335 avg. Pretty much nobody has ever done that before. He should have no problem hitting 600 homers. This is a very deep position maybe I should have put Rafael Palmeiro as the starter. He will end up with over 600 homers and 3000 hits. Only two or three other people have ever done that I think Pujols has a chance to.
RESERVE: Rafael Palmeiro.

Second Base- Alfonso Soriano. Yet again probably too early to give it to him. He gets about 30 homers a year. He needs to keep his average up and return to his base stealing ways. He and his reserve will be the all time home run leaders at this position but that is not as impressive any more.
RESERVE: Jeff Kent. Hits for average. Will have the most home runs as a second basemen for some time. Until 10-12 years from now when Soriano catches him.

Shortstop- Miguel Tejada. This was a tough one. Things change very fast. Three or four years ago the big three of ARod, Jeter and Garciaparra ruled this position. ARod would still rule but he’s at third now. Garciaparra’s career has been nothing but injuries lately. This leaves Jeter and Tejada. Tejada is a multi MVP type talent. He hits for power and he is starting to get his average up. Before its all said and done he could be the all time home run leader at this position. Jeter is great. He should get 3,000 hits. He doesn’t have enough power. Doesn’t steal enough bases. I think he’s a little over rated just because he’s the leader of the Yankee’s (btw it’s been five years since the Yankee’s won one.)
RESERVE: Derek Jeter.

Third Base- Arod. Hands down. He might become the best player of all time, frosted tips and all. I can’t even put a reserve behind him there is nobody else. Scott Rolen? He won’t do. Jeff Bagwell better hope they move him to third because that’s the only way he makes this list as a reserve. Sorry Jeff, first base is too deep.

Catcher- I rod. The only reason I type “Arod” and “Irod” because I’m not sure how to spell Rodriquez is it with a “q” or a “g” ??? I was gonna put Piazza here but last night I heard Tim Macarver say Ivan was the best defensive catcher of all time. What Macarver says goes. Ipod hits for average and power. He is not a big pussy like Piazza. In fact isn’t there someone else besides Piazza I could put in here? Is Benito Santiago still active?
RESERVE: Mike Piazza

Left Field- Bonds.
RESERVE: Manny Ramirez. He should make the Hall. Not the best defender but will end up as one of the best hitters on this team.

Center Field- Ken Griffey Jr. As long as he can finish out this decade as half the player he was in the nineties that should be enough. Barring injury (ha!) he should hit over 600 homers. He needs to work on getting that avg. back up.
RESERVE: Ichiro. Hey I saw him playing center last night in the all star game so I’m moving him over to. He really could be the starter. Dude got his first 1,000 hits in four years! How old is he? He should get over 3,000 hits easy. He steals 40 bases a year and is the best defensive outfielder in the league.

Right Field- Sammy Sosa. Again anyone that hits over 600 homers should probably make the list. He used to hit for average kinda, sorta, maybe.
RESERVE: Gary Sheffield-He may not make the Hall. He started off kinda slow hitting 30 homers only once in his first 7 seasons. He has only hit 40 twice. That doesn’t cut it for outfielders in today’s game. He needs to play five more years. Larry Walker hit for better average but he played in Montreal and Colorado he has no chance. Also he is already talking about retiring, no chance. Vladimir Guerrero will probably be better than both of these guys but he seems so fragile.

Pitchers- I nominated six pitchers yesterday I’ll do that today although I think most of these guys are right handers.
Randy Johnson
Greg Maddux
Roger Clemens
Mariano Rivera
John Smoltz
Pedro Martinez
Pedro needs a few more years under his belt but I gave him the nod over Schilling and Glavine.

Designated Hitter- Frank Thomas. As much as I didn’t want to put this “position” on here I couldn’t leave the big skirt off the list. No way he is making the first basemen list. Some people don’t agree, but I think he needs to play five more years. A lot of people hate him. He needs to pad those stats.

All Time Greatest Line Up.

In honor of tonight’s all star game I wanted to come up with my all time greatest line up. The best player at every position is in the line up. It was too hard to narrow it down to just one player per position so I assigned a reserve for each position as well.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, making all time baseball lists is a challenging feat. Everyone knows the many factors that go into these lists including: steroids, segregation, the designated hitter, juiced balls, raised and lowered mounds, big and small ball parks, weight training, improved technology and so much more. For example just last night, while watching the home run derby, I learned that at the old Polo Grounds the center field wall was 484 feet from home plate! The center field wall at the old Yankee Stadium was 463 feet from home plate! Those are like almost 100 feet further than some of the smaller parks today. Anyways here we go…
First Base-Lou Gehrig. This was one of the easiest choices. He has the best overall numbers. His consecutive game streak is the most impressive in baseball. Ripken’s doesn’t even compare when you think about how long ago Gehrig played and Gehrig’s health issues. He has a disease named after him! His career was cut short.
RESERVE: Pete Rose- Baseball’s hit king. Baseball’s jack ass.

Second Base-Rogers Hornsby. This one was a little closer. He has the best overall numbers by far; however, think about what Jackie Robinson could have done. Jackie’s career was cut in half. I would give this to Jackie just for having the courage to step on the field. If he played 20 years he would have had the best numbers. *sorry Mac your boy Ryno is probably 4th on the list. Joe Morgan has better numbers.
RESERVE: Jackie Robinson

Shortstop- Honus Wagner. A little bit easier choice I guess. He has the overall best numbers. Plus his baseball card is the most expensive of all time going for almost 2 million bucks.
RESERVE: ARod- I couldn’t decide whether to put ARod at short or third. His glove work at third is making him look like a shortstop. When it’s all said and done he should eclipse Wagner as long as he doesn’t pull a Ken Griffey Jr. on us. *note if I move ARod over to third Ernie Banks would probably get the nod at short.

Third Base- Mike Schmidt. This was the hardest one so far. You got Schmidt probably the best hitting third basemen of all time (unless you count ARod). Then you have Brooks Robinson a decent hitter and one of the best defensive players of all time. Then I ran into someone named Christy Mathews who hit 512 homers in like the 1950’s and 60’s. I need my older readers to chime in and help me with this one.
RESERVE: Brooks Robinson.

Catcher- Roy Campanella. They just keep getting harder to do. I was all set to put Johnny Bench here but then I read some more on Campanella. His career was cut short by segregation for 7 years on the front end and then on the back end his career was cut short by a car accident. He was a better hitter than Bench and a great defender. He was a pioneer in breaking the color line.
RESERVE: Johnny Bench- But wait a minute then I read about JOSH GIBSON. Who was probably better than both of these guys. He died two years before baseball allowed Jackie Robinson to play. Probably the greatest Negro League player of all time.

Pitcher- Oh lord this one is too confusing I’ll have to do that later.

Before I move into the outfield these three positions were all difficult to choose. At first I wasn’t exactly clear on who played what position for the bulk of their career. I was then able to find that out but there are other problems. The list of outfielders is staggering. It seems like most of the all time greats played out there. I’m sure I’m leaving some people out but look who I had to choose from:
Willie Mays
Babe Ruth
Ted Williams
Hank Aaron
Barry Bonds
Ty Cobb
Joe Dimaggio
Frank Robinson
Mickey Mantle
Stan Musial
Shoeless Joe Jackson
Roberto Clemente
Rickey Henderson
Reggie Jackson

Left Field- Ted Williams. Maybe the best all around hitter of all time.
RESERVE: Barry Bonds. The only supposed steroid user on the list so far. I think he would have done just fine without them.

Center Field- Willy Mays. What, maybe the third best hitter of all time? One of the best fielders of all time.
RESERVE: Ty Cobb. Baseball’s hit king. Baseball’s jack ass.

Right Field- Babe Ruth. Probably the best player of all time (sorry Rickey). Definitely the most popular player of all time.
RESERVE: Hank Aaron. How does the home run king get reserved?

O.K. I guess it’s on to the pitchers. I confess I didn’t know as much about pitchers to start with. It is hard for me to put pitchers that pitched a hundred years ago on the list because I’ve never even seen any kind of footage on them. Secondly, some of these guys used to pitch almost every other day. It’s not fair to compare modern day pitchers to these guys. How hard were they throwing? We don’t know. How many different pitches did they have? Cy Young, Walter Johnson, Lefty Grove, Christy Mathewson may have been better than the guys on my list but too bad they are too old. Obviously I couldn’t just put one pitcher on here so I narrowed it down to three lefties and three righties.

Left Handers- Sandy Koufax, Warren Spahn, Steve Carlton
Right Handers- Roger Clemens, Tom Seaver, Bob Gibson.

Like I said I don’t know as much about pitchers so let the arguing begin. Let me know if I left anyone out. Tomorrow I may do the same list but only taking active players into account.

Dr. Love

Yes they call me Mr. Romantic. Take notes fellas cause what you’ll learn in this column promises to help you make the ladies swoon. Angela and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary this weekend. So I figured it was time to dial it up on the old romantic meter. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to plan for a few reasons. One, we are still dealing with all these insurance companies and neighbors and such about this flood damage so we were thinking we needed to stay around the house on Saturday because some Allstate guys were coming to check out our neighbors damage. Also, because Angela has a lot of work due in school this week she had to spend a lot of time studying. Plus, we couldn’t go far because of the Yao. I still managed to whisk Angela away for a romantic rendezvous. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no, we didn’t spend the weekend at the Sybaris.
I decided to surprise Angela with a night out on the town. Even though we live in Chicago we rarely go downtown. We almost never go down there at night. Parking can be a hassle, it’s too crowded and most importantly it is EXPENSIVE! However, I spare no expense for my baby. The first item on my list was to get lodging for the evening. We were so lucky to have our friend Angela offer to take Yao out that night and the next morning. Hmmmmm, where to stay, where to stay? I wanted it to be fancy (The W) but also meaningful (not The W). Then I saw the hotel we stayed at on our wedding night. This covered the fancy and romantic requirements.
My next mission was to pick a place for dinner. This was a challenge indeed. The only place I have ever dined at downtown is the Taste of Chicago and that ended a week ago. Also I was trying to keep with the meaningful theme and the Taste probably wouldn’t have worked. It’s not Angela’s favorite event in the world. What’s up with that? The Taste ROCKS! Basically I have no idea where to eat. I went to Metromix.com to find a restaurant but that wasn’t helpful because they list about a million of em. I went to the Check Please website which was a little more helpful because most of the restaurants they choose are not downtown so I had less to choose from. I came across the perfect restaurant, Roy’s, an upscale Hawaiian place. Not only are Hawaiian place’s rare, but it was meaningful because we went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. How am I doing ladies?
Next we needed a little after dinner entertainment. I had the idea to go to some of our historical hangouts. Our first movie (Black Knight), the first couple of places we went out to when we were just “friends” (Rosa’s blues club, the Green Mill jazz club), our first kiss (at John Barleycorn in Wrigleyville yuck). However, I choose against these places because they are located all over the city, not downtown. They are also not the most romantic places in the world. I wanted to take her to see the Broadway play she has been dying to see, Wicked, but they only had obstructed view seating left. I settled on a Second City at Navy Pier musical which was a comedic take on Romeo and Juliet. This was good because Romeo and Juliet is a love story and we love going to The Second City.
The next day we started out on our trip. I wanted to keep it a surprise which wasn’t easy because Angela kept asking what she needed to pack, do I need a bathing suit?, etc etc. Uh oh she thinks we’re going on a real trip. She managed to get some information out of her friend who told her all she knew was that we were taking the “El” there. Damn, there goes that idea. I begrudgingly fork up the extra 40 bucks to park at the hotel just so I can keep Angela guessing. So, finally we are off. We drive downtown to the hotel. We go check out the room, not as nice as the one on our wedding night but way more expensive. I had a few surprises but I needed Angela out of the room so I could set them up. She mentioned wanting to go look at the pool yes here’s my chance.
“Well why don’t you go do that by yourself cause I gotta take a dump anyway.”
Oh yeah, don’t be jealous ladies you coulda had me. She leaves; I pull out a bottle of champagne and search for an ice bucket. I wait till I think she has gotten on the elevator then I run to the ice machine. I get back to the room in no time but there is a slight problem my key card doesn’t unlock the door. D’OH! So much for Mr. Shmooove. Luckily, I gave Angela the other key so I just had to sit there with a bucket of ice in my hand waiting like a big doofus. It’s the thought that counts right? With all the excitement I forgot to decorate the room with all the romantic items I had brought like the program from our wedding, and our wedding invitation stuff like that. Angela took pity on me and gave me props anyway.
We had a couple hours to kill before dinner so we went to Millennium Park to people watch and get a drink. This was a great suggestion by her because I have never even been to Millennium Park (see I told you I never go to the city). It turns out Millennium Park is this new real cool place to hang out in the summer time. The futuristic video tower waterfalls and the gigantic bean (which somehow has been under construction more than it hasn’t been) are awesome. They also have a nice outdoor bar and restaurant. We each got a margarita and began one of our favorite past time’s, people watching (also known as making fun of the way people dress and look with out them hearing.) We hop in a cab to go to dinner. Man downtown is PACKED! I am not used to all this. Some of the other downtowns I have been to recently; Minneapolis, Cleveland, St. Louis and Milwaukee’s are like ghost towns. Chicago is more like New York than any of these other cities that is for sure. Dinner was excellent. Again we ate outside and people watched. There was a church kiddie corner from us where a wedding was just ending. Angela got to critique all of the bridesmaid’s dresses; I tried to estimate how much their wedding must have cost. A perfect dinner indeed.
After dinner we had a couple of hours to kill before the musical so we window shopped on the mag mile. This always makes me nervous because I have found that window shopping often leads to actual shopping. Apparently, before Angela is able to start working out this summer she first needs to buy an Ipod Shuffle, whatever the hell that is. I suggest trying the workout sans Ipod just to see how she likes it. I am anxious to get out of the Apple store and go to my favorite place to shop, The Liquor Store. We hop in a cab to Navy Pier. Angela still has no idea what we are doing and it is fun listening to all of her guesses. Navy Pier is unbelievably crowded. Tonight is the first night of their summer Saturday night fireworks show. Angela wants to go in to do some more window shopping. I convince her to walk outside so we can window shop for a beer. We decide that Navy Pier is a much more fun place to people watch because the socioeconomic status of the people in attendance is more diverse. Finally, the play is about to start. By this time we are getting pretty tired it’s after 10 and we're no spring chickens. The play was hilarious and woke us up. It ends around 12:30. The city is still very alive. I didn’t know downtown was so active late at night? It helps that there are tens of thousands of people preparing for a bike ride through the city called Late Ride. Our hotel is party central. It’s funny to see all the drunken wedding people. Since I drank a coke at the play, to keep myself awake, I was wired are ready to go. Caffeine doesn’t have the same effect on Angela so it was back to the room. It was fun to paint the town red. I highly recommend Chicago as a romantic weekend getaway.

Top Five Celebrity Stories

Many of you probably didn’t know that I am a burgeoning celebrity gossip columnist. I wanted to devote this top 5 list to some of the juiciest celebrity dirt this summer. Now I know some of you are looking for the Brittney/K-Fed baby drama, sorry folks you won’t find it here that was so four months ago. Anyhoo, let me share with you some of my summer reading.

1.TOMKAT- I guess this has to be number one although I am starting to get tired of it. It is pretty intriguing though on many levels. First of all, I am fascinated with seeing people totally lose it. Whether it’s Michael Jackson bouncing his baby uncontrollably (I’m speaking about Blanket of course) on his knee while being interviewed by Martin Bashir, or Whitney Houston sweatin like she spent the night in DEEBO’s pigeon coup while talking to Diane Sawyer. I love it all. Every time Tom Cruise comes on the TV there is potential for him to say something crazy and he rarely disappoints. Second, I am a bit interested in, and at the same time, annoyed with the phenomenon of phony Hollywood relationships. How do these start? Does Cameron Diaz’s publicist call up Justin Timberlake’s publicist to get the ball rolling? The lawyers hammer out the details. “Justin and Cameron will make three appearances a week together. Justin may touch Cameron on the face, hands, back and waist but not the inner thigh, breasts or buttocks.” We all know Cruise isn’t really heterosexual. I’m not saying he is gay but I do believe he may be trying to cover up an unmentionable fetish that may or may not have to do with aquatic animals. Finally, I have heard all the stories; Katie has been kidnapped, brainwashed, she went missing for sixteen days, there is always someone from the cult within arm’s length of her and she has been given a lobotomy. But what I want to know is where is the outcry from her friends and family? Where is the anger from her adoring fans? We should be seeing a mass movement to rescue her. I want to turn on the TV and see some FBI agents kicking down Tom’s door and whisking Katie away like she’s Elian Gonzalez.

2.Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt go to Africa to adopt baby- Wow Brad’s really getting screwed over in this deal. All he wanted was a little summer romance with Jolie. Maybe practice a little witchcraft with her. Wear viles of her blood, maybe get a tattoo. But go to Africa to adopt a baby? Is he out of his mind? It’s kind of a lot of work just to promote a movie. Wait what am I talking about? I forgot they can just have their people raise the baby.

3.Madonna vs. Mariah backstage at the Great 8- The Great 8 concerts in general were ridiculous. Someone was making a lot of money off that thing just not the people who the concert was supposedly for (again The Africans). I’m thinking The Africans from that African country probably won’t be accepting anymore help from the nation of Hollywood. No money was raised? Hmmmm. But a rocking good time was had by all. All except for the silly celebrities of course. I heard there were many feuds backstage including people not wanting to share trailers with each other, celebs refusing to sign autographs, etc etc. The one I have heard the most about is the Madonna vs. Mariah Carey situation which almost resulted in a rambunctious catfight. Yes, apparently it got very hairy indeed when Madonna was overheard saying “Let me know when she comes out of her trailer cause I’m outta here!” I need to know how this whole thing got started maybe one of my faithful readers can help me.

4.Lil' Kim going to Big' House- Speaking of catfights, hello! Question, has there ever been a hotter celebrity sentenced to hard labor in a woman’s maximum security prison? Hold on a second I need to calm down…..Ok I’m back. Lil’ Kim was up for twenty years! (She only got one year) What the hell did she do kill the Pope? Her biggest crime was showing up to court in that stuffy business suit. Lil’ what happened to the pasties girl? Maybe Lil’ and Diana Ross will get a chance to remake their performance from a few years ago at the MTV Video Awards as members of the Riker’s Island Players. I do love the theatre.

5.Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston- Now this one is hot off the presses. A match made in heaven and right in time for the opening of Vince’s new movie “Wedding Crashers.” Jenn is trying to outdo ex hubby Pitt by trying to settle down with someone even less settledownable than Angelina Jolie. I can just picture Vince giving her the “brother” story from Swingers. “Umm yeah Vince I already heard that one.” I sure hope this “Vincifer” thing is legit because I can’t wait.

*My apologies to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, or Bennifer II, or Gaffleck. I wanted to include “Bennifer” and their new demon seed “Lucifer” in my top five. However, I promised myself never to get involved in Ben’s love life again. After Bennifer one toyed with my emotions until I was an utter mess unable to even leave the house for weeks. Sorry Ben I’m not falling for that again. When is the new Affleck/Garner movie coming out anyway?

Best Week Ever

Sorry to my loyal readers for not posting for a few days. You're lost without this I know. I had a really busy/intoxicated weekend. Also I had a falling out with my computer and we are just now speaking again. Since I have been really into this blogging thing for a little over a week now I figured that a “week in review” has been long overdue. Some thoughts on the past week in “The Summer of Nate.”

Tuesday- Big Big day. First crappy job interview of the summer, check. First crappy job offer, check...Played in a softball game we shoulda won if not for our complete lack of offense…The most anti-climatic NBA draft ever……Washing Machine Flood Watch ’05 emerges on the scene.

Wednesday- Due to damage caused by Washing Machine Flood ’05 listened to crazy wife deal with crazy downstairs neighbor (for those who don’t know what Washing Machine Flood is read my post on Wednesday June, 29th called Laundry)…..Try to keep my mind off the fact that we may soon be purchasing two new furnaces, a washer dryer combo, redoing drywall, hardwood floors…..

Thursday- Boring day. Watch my high priced New York Met like fantasy baseball team crumbling before my eyes. This week two suspensions, zero return on my trades, injuries, forgetting to set my line up, lunch meeting with the McCaskey’s and Bill Wirtz.

Friday- Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. We are having the biggest party we have ever had on Sunday. What the hell have I gotten myself into bbq’ing for 50 people? Who do I think I am George Foreman? I am already stressed out and the party is two days away….It’s July 1st already? I should leave the house more often or at least raise the blinds….Look at picture or Serena in her cat suit 72 times.

Saturday- Get into fist fight with my computer after writing the best blog ever, an in depth piece on reality TV (particularly the Surreal Life), only to have the story erased somehow….Swear off blogging forever….Spend the morning pouting to Angela….Stay away from computer for record half a day!
Angela’s dad is in town from St. Louis. Her dad runs a drum and bugle corp program for thirty kids. They are in town to perform in Independence Day parades in the northwest suburbs this weekend. Tonight he gets a short break from the kids so we meet him in one of the touristy areas of the city featuring such wonderful eateries as Rock and Roll McDonalds, The Hardrock Café and The Rainforest Café. We didn’t want to stray too far from the kids so we decided to eat at The Rainforest Café which will from now on be known as the worst restaurant choice for that particular situation. For those that have never been there the Rainforest Café is like Chucky Cheese’s on steroids. And for those that haven’t met Angela’s dad he is a little quiet and reserved. Of course we are the only people there without children. Random piercing sounds of the rainforest erupt. Bright lights flash on and off. The service is terrible. We are the only people there who are not celebrating a birthday. Every two minutes a twenty something waiter screams “VVVVVOOOLLLCCAAANNNOOO” at the top of his lungs then 15 waiters get together to shout the happy birthday song in our ears.

Sunday- Finally the big party is here! I’m trying to figure out the moment my group of friends became mature enough to host parties that serve food and alcohol. Women add so much to the equation. For the first time on my own I purchase a keg. My brother and I then become the first people stupid enough to try to haul a keg up to the fourth floor. I’m still sore.
The party went off without a hitch. People even danced! My friend Jaime was doing a piss poor Tom Cruise from Cocktail impression. Many awful concoctions were served up with clever names such as “Heavenly Love,” and “Ray of Light.”….. A clue that tomorrow is gonna be a rough one, I decide that it is socially acceptable to take my shirt off and twirl it around over my head, exposing back hair to all in attendance (maybe I was inspired by the Rainforest Café)…….Can’t remember much after this.

Monday- Happy Birthday America! USA! USA! I am so pissed at you USA that you made me forget to set my lineup for this upcoming week of fantasy baseball…….what day is it……where am I. Today we recognize the most important tradition in this country. I’m speaking of course of the North vs Southside of Oak Park Softball game. Although this is a very important and long held tradition for me and my friends, I am almost unable to attend due to hangover problems. Unfortunately for my team, I am able to drag my sorry ass out to Oak Park. I proudly lead my team to defeat. The day was historical. I became the first player to lose a game then be traded to the other team and lose that game as well. I learned a valuable lesson this week that both drinking and softball have brought me nothing but pain and misfortune. I vow to stay away from both pastimes for at least a few days

Top Five Tennis Ladies

In honor of the Wimbledon final between Lindsey Davenport and Venus Williams tomorrow I wanted to devote a top five list to the hottest female tennis players of all time.

1.Serena Williams- I know, I know you all think I'm crazy but I just feel safer with a BRICK house than one made of straw. Seriously this was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. It helps that Serena is one of my favorite tennis players ever.

2. Anna Kournakorva- One of the reasons she couldn't be first is cuz I don't know how to spell her name so it was harder to find pictures of her. Also she's not even a tennis player.

3. Gabriella Sabbatini- She was the tennis hottie of the 90's.

4. Monica Seles- Don't hate. This was a sentimental choice for me. I had a big time crush on her when I was 15. My parents took me to see her play at a Virginia Slims Tournament at UIC. During the match I had this elaborate day dream that I would ask her for her autograph after the match and then she would write her phone number down on the tennis ball and we would go to homecoming together. She is my favorite tennis player of all time. She dominated women's tennis in the early 90's like no one had ever done before. She would have been the best tennis player of all time. Also lets not forget about that grunting that got Martina Navratilova all hot and bothered.

5. Chrissy Evert- She was cute in her little old school tennis outfit. Remember that one time on the Jim Rome show when he had quarterback Jim Evert of the Rams on and Rome kept calling him Chris Evert. Jim Evert said if you call me Chris Evert one more time I'm going to come over there and kick your ass. Rome said "O.K. Chris" and Evert jumped on him and kicked his ass on camera. A historic television moment.